Indoor Falconry - (Deeper Dive)

Life isn’t worth living.

But worth is subjective.

Before we go on, this blog post is about suicide. It both condones and denounces it. If you’re someone who is triggered by this conversation, I urge you to stick around. There’s no healing without pain and difficult conversations are called difficult for a reason.

Triggered Tuesday 004 - Indoor Falconry We lost our recording space and still (sorta) released a record. What's your excuse? Recorded in a grandad's bedroom. Lyrics: This leather won’t hold me up for much longer I can’t hear someone say it'll be better tomorrow I need it now, damn it, listen Please keep your mouth shut Don’t dare say, (you’ve so much to give) What can I say to make you feel better? All that I ask’s we get, through, the night I won’t sleep, so that, you’ll always be But it’s moving too fast, let me off, let me off It’s moving too fast, let me off Life no seasoning Heart beats but no meaning All I need’d be gone With you Don’t delay Your life’s at stake Stop it Is this what you wanted All the life that you squandered You get what is deserved Am I not what you wanted now!? We’re what makes us sick Can, you feel it, A snap, bang or crack and it’s gone I can’t keep screaming All I leave belongs To you ATTACK BUT WE WON’T LET YOU DIE

Stories make the world go around.

We, as individuals or as a collective, are an amalgamation of the stories we decide to tell ourselves. Our memories are not like our hard drives. To recount a memory is to fabricate the story again from the scraps of sensory information that our brains catalogue in a self-destructing, mental filing cabinet.

This high degree of storage inaccuracy and the drug like power that stories have over our consciousness, I believe, is a major root cause of a lot of our mental health woes.

Events of trauma can be recounted as an event fixed firmly in self-fault; thus setting the conditions for one to act out their story as the forever flawed protagonist, destined only for misery of which they are entirely deserving.

These personal narratives aren’t fixed, however. They’re often strong and convincingly binding but rarely are they static. They aren’t confined to our simplistic human reductionism’s of right and wrong either; remaining inhumanly agnostic to the anguish and suffering they cause, compounds the complexities we face when trying to decipher them.

To make matters worse, your own story is without borders. You seep, ebb, flow and muscle your way into the plot lines of those around you and in turn, those around them. The extent to which your narrative empowers and poisons the human race is seemingly limitless, whilst your own self perception remains inherently insignificant.

It begs the questions; where does one story start and another begin? Is my story really my own? How much of what I feel is real and how much of it is from my peers/family/colleagues? What, if anything, is truly valuable in my life and why has this seemingly solid collection of values lost all meaning to me? Am I choosing to feel this low? Why does death suddenly seem like the only option?

All of these are valid queries. They’re uniquely human - individually crippling but so universal they’re boring. One would hope that the banal universality would bring these topics in from the fringe but rarely do we give suicide the attention it deserves until it’s all too late.

Indoor Falconry is an attempt to explore the commonality of suicide.

Lyrically, the aim was to unpack the positives, the negatives and the indifferent by focussing on a two-person dialogue that to many will be all too familiar.

Humans rarely exist in a vacuum and when they do, they’ve often ended up there through a loss of connection; wounded and scarred by the people once in their lives. This is why the dialogue in Indoor Falconry is that between two lovers, (friends, family, partner, whatever).

Both parties are suffering immeasurable pain, both parties offer a solution they portray as best for the other but deep down, it’s really what’s best for them. The struggle is coming to terms with the level of selfish they both have to be for self-preservation.

For the one stood on the edge of death. You’re not wrong for wanting your pain to end. Your suffering is real, your pain is just but ending yourself serves only to end your own hell. Your escape merely passes the burden. Energy can’t be destroyed, only transferred. Your character ends but the plot of misery continues and I can assure you the author pulls no punches on those left behind.

Your lover is also not wrong for wanting you to see one more sunrise. They’re not blinded by the seemingly permanent and self-destructive narrative you tell yourself. But their attempts to salvage your existence are poisonously riddled with valid self-doubt and hopelessness. They fool themselves into believing they can pull you back from the edge, when in reality, only you can, just like only you can make the jump. At this point, to them, saving your life is merely saving theirs.

The song tries to highlight the validity of both party’s anguish. The heat of the moment struggle between your own selfish desires and setting someone free of suffering will test every ounce of your might. Having been on both sides of the conversation, I can tell you that once it’s been had, the impact is forever and the happy ending, if at all possible, is a long mountain climb away.

Ultimately though, there is no right or wrong. Suicide is brave but it’s also cowardice, saving the life of someone suffering is both noble and cruel. The jury will always be out on this one and individual context is too volatile to blanket label a truth. The real crime, though, is the one committed by us all when we deny these all too common experiences. To try and simplify self-destruction as a simple right or wrong is what’s gotten us into this mess in the first place.

Our inability to process someone’s desire to die causes us to seize up and open the suicide manual that maintains a one size fits all attitude to living. I suggest that we keep this topic closer than we ever have. I will forever bring it up on stage because it’s a topic that you shouldn’t be surprised to see anywhere. After all, you’re rubbing shoulders in the crowd with survivors or soon to be attempters. We need to learn to stay calm in the face of suicide, it’s more rational than you think.

Knee jerk reactions rendered through gritted teeth and held breaths have lost us more brothers and sisters than we can count.

There is no answer to this problem because even in the face of a universal human experience, the reasons that lead one there are almost always unique.

All we can do is keep telling and listening to our stories whilst assuring us all that it’s normal.

If you want to talk to myself, Damen or Will, we can’t guarantee it’ll help but we’ll always listen.

Email us directly triggerthumbuk@gmail.com or DM us on any your preferred social platforms.

Stay Triggered.

Triggered Tuesday #012

Beg

‘Don’t stop breeding’

Lyrics

Once upon a time there was a

Reason to smile!

Now it’s sit up, shut up, wanna talk put your hand up

Give in to living, hell

Your future is bright

Self destruction

Light it up, breathe it in, fizzle out

Sickness

Crimes I’ve witnessed

Tears can’t dry in these conditions

Pain prescriptions, our mistress

Playing dead, default position

Get up! Stop putting your back out

Begging on your knees for love

You, can’t, live, the best life that you can

Begging on your knees

Who said you’re worthy?

We said we’re worthy!

Winners, mingers, sinners

Begging on their knees for love

It ain’t cool to be desperate, ya see!

Begging on your knees

But it really hurts me

Begging on your knees for love

Like really really

Begging on your knees

12, screams, still can’t find

A way

To live

Like I

Mean something, to someone

Don’t stop breeding

We need feeding

Heart stops, it can not be alone

(Beat alone without another)

Will you let it beat another?

You’ve seen me

It all

Me bleeding, me screaming, me crawl

I can give you

No more

Our fairytale end.

Triggered Tuesday #011

Python

‘Feast upon the peasants’

Lyrics

No race but we’re winning
NA NA NA
Progress can’t be sinning
Growing’s infinite
Wars are fought in python
Napalm Jargon
Feast upon the peasants
They’re worth more money in heaven

BOOOOOM
Nerds will
Save our world
All you gotta do is
Click accept all

Gradings for your failings
Campus ailing
Developing nations with nations of developers
Trailer parks are tweaking t-t-t-to Ivy leaguing
Dance to algorithms 
Cause disruption is our mission

Your culture's
Gotta go
Make way
For the new 
World

UH-HUH UH-HUH UH-HUH
Bend over for the 
UH-HUH UH-HUH UH-HUH UH-HUH

This is the world we’ve made
(She said)
Turn me on like adderall
Get it done I don’t have long
Turn me on like adderall
Does it melt under the tongue
With your lives a game we play
(He said)
Turn me on like adderall
Get it done I don’t have long
Turn me on like adderall
Does it melt under the tongue
Silence will spade our graves

Punk. You better watch out.
Bitch. You better watch out.

We know the world needs healing
Pain is what you’re feeling
But life don’t have a meaning
So fuck em
We wanna make a million, No we gotta make a million
I mean billion maybe trillions, we’ll just steal it from
You

Life is better in hell

Won’t you live in the world we’ve made
(She said)
Turn me on like adderall
Get it done I don’t have long
Turn me on like adderall
Does it melt under the tongue
With your lives a game we play
(He said)
Turn me on like adderall
Get it done I don’t have long
Turn me on like adderall
Does it melt under the tongue
Can’t you see our lives are shit.

Triggered Tuesday #010

B00H00

‘Harassment’s lit’

Lyrics

I am a psycho... therapist
I got the acronyms to match your behaviour
It's a t-t-tease
All of that trauma deep inside
You deserve it, look at the way you dress
You're so big, you're so strong
Gotta use it to abuse it

Hey! Hey! Hey! Put your comment in my mouth
Hey! Hey! Hey! Put your comment in my mouth
I'll beg for more
Hey! Hey! Hey! Won't you comment in my mouth

Don't look back, stick to my guns
I hate you, you know it
I use the n-word just for fun
I just keep running
On the spot, never stop
You'll all grow to love me

When I make you suffer, it's ok just remember

God's love's all around
God's love's all around, you
It's just not easy to find you right now

Friends are fragile, they all die

You know I love it
Dirty bitch
Is that too forward
Why wouldn't I love it
It makes me sick
It's how I know you want me

I'll burn your house down
Kill your kids
Take pics with my dick out
Harassment's lit
Proud grammar nazis
Commit lolacaust
Threats are great from a far
Truth don't stand up in court

God's love's all around
God's love's all around, you
It's just not easy to find you right now
Boo hoo

Hey! Hey! Hey! Put your comment in my mouth
Hey! Hey! Hey! Put your comment in my mouth
I'll beg for more
Hey! Hey! Hey! Won't you comment on me

Triggered Tuesday #009

Baddest Behaviour

‘Blood spilt’s thicker than hashtag stickers’

Lyrics

Portrait or wide
Life in sixteen by nine
Force smile repeat
Am I a Jones or am I me

With every, new follower 
I become hollower
Sign in, it's free
Twitch stream, pill bottle
You dare me to swallow it
Caps lock to scream

Hey, is this real life
Please elaborate
I got a ticket to another dimension
My life is struggling with viewer retention
I wanna feel it
Is this real love
Are you listening
I wanna paint you in a different light
I wanna see your other side

Take responsibility
Binge, purge, binge, purge
Drugs are healthy in moderation
Silence
Censor words like
Left, right
Tweetstorms are flooding the entire nation

Back over the wall
We want the end of it
How can we be friends
When you just take the benefits
Corporate whore
Products like heroin 
Yeah your all loving God, well, he don't give a shit

More bombs
Business as usual
Guns, shares and prayers
The onlooker's manual
Reprint

Share the same, thing

Spin, using ink
Digital or print
Don't think

Hey! I wanna see tradition
Spit out
Hey! I wanna fit you all in my mouth
Don't shoot, my friend
Cos blood spilt's thicker than hashtag stickers

Oh yeah! Is this real life
Please elaborate
I got a ticket to another dimension
My life is struggling with viewer retention
I wanna feel it
Is this real love
Are you listening
I wanna paint you in a different light
I wanna see your other side
Yeah
Your other side
Yeah

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